Loss and Moving Forward

To A Father Figure I will Never Forget

In September of 2018 I lost a lot of things in my life. I lost my direction, I lost my drive, I lost my relationship, I lost a brother, and I lost the only father figure I’ve known in my entire life.

At their funerals, I mourned alone. Nobody around me knew how much my uncle meant to me. At my brother’s funeral I felt a sense of responsibility for his murder because I egged on his ego which led to his violent death dealing with the criminal world.

My soul was broken and my body was broken too. Years of hard labor took its toll on my knees and my legs, years of sleep apnea led to my inability to fully relax and heal from all the pent up stress.

I was not new to loss, I had buried my friends and family members before. My friend died during my senior year of high school, he was murdered by his father, his mom and his brother died together with him. I had another friend who crashed into the river that same year too. I buried a niece who had a heart attack at the age of 13. A person once told me I needed to be saved because of my “tragic” life.

Maybe that was what I wanted when I was a kid but I learned quickly that life is unforgiving, nobody will come to save you when you’re that deep in the water. You either learn to swim or drown and as negative buoyant as I was, I broke the surface and refused to lay down and die in the water.

Many of you have had tough lives. Many of you are survivors of unspeakable horrors. Many of you are still trying to survive. Each and every single one of you has a war waging in your life that you have to fight every single day. The cold harsh truth of it all is that many of you will go through all of that pain and suffering all by yourself. Many of you will have to brave the waters with no guidance and no support.

But that doesn’t mean you have to lose. It doesn’t mean you have to give in to defeat. 2 years ago, I lost it all only to use the pain of that loss and struggle to fuel the drive and person that I am today.

You have to get back up on your damn feet every single time.
You have to meet the monster in your life on the battlefield every single day and face it. You have to summon of the courage every single day and face your fears head on.

The moment you back down, you give that monster in your life miles of ground in your life. Here I am years later, thriving and so much stronger than the person I was back then. Here I am years later able to move forward in life without pause. Here I am years later, unafraid to keep fighting and unafraid for whatever fight I have to face head on.

Life has never gotten better for me, in fact it’s only gotten worse with the my father’s illness and Covid. But that doesn’t matter anymore because now I’m strong enough to face it all. The only promise that I can make you is that life doesn’t get better, you get better.

You only get to the top by putting in the hard work, don’t be afraid to find nothing up here, because you can always find yourself on the journey there

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