It is January 26th 2019, and I begin my day in Davis doing a small Lion Dance performance since the Lunar New Year was just around the corner. I had been gearing up to start a brand new team and build up a brand new journey by introducing coaching and more hands one teaching into my life. The performance went well and I received many requests to perform for other groups but I still had a day job and with the team was so small it was difficult to meet demand. However these were good problems to have and little by little, the nuances of life were beginning to wipe away what today actually meant to me.
Today was the last time I would see her in San Francisco, her plane left that morning, and although I was in the city as well for a birthday party, I opted not to see her off and said my peace when I saw the airplane leave SFO. At that moment when I said those finals words to her airplane “Mus Zoo Koj” (Go well you), I knew that I had left my heart here with her in San Francisco.
In my past, I was able to move on quickly from those fleeting moments of sadness because ultimately most of my relationships weren’t built on the most solid of foundations. I could easily say goodbye to most of my friends, family, and even significant others because in my life, there was never any meaningful permanence. My heart was closed because I had to bury so many of my friends and family members when I was just a teenager, and I had to process that all of that all by myself. And because of that, I closed my heart off to connection because it was how I adapted to facing these situations alone.
But it was a fool’s errand to attempt to approach this kind of heavy loss again with these old tactics. I didn’t know it at the time but if I were to have truly moved forward back then, I would have needed to grieve the loss of that something special in my life. I needed to actually grieve for both the person I lost and the future that I lost, and by giving myself that space and time to cry and feel my emotions, I would’ve made so much more room in my life to truly grow and move forward.
However by busying myself with my daily life, by piling on more duties and goals, all I did was plug up the wound, and the pressure was slowly building. It was at this point in my life that I made the first major milestone in improving my physical health, I started to use a CPAP.
If you suffer from Sleep Apnea and aren’t young, you probably should get a sleep study and get on this machine ASAP! It definitely revolutionized the way I thought about sleep. And for the first time in 25 years in my life, I did not have to deal with day time drowsiness or oven sleepiness while driving. I was more alert, it was never hard to get up from sleep, it became so much harder to over sleep, I didn’t need to nap anymore, and best of all, recovery from physical activity didn’t take days! I was definitely ecstatic to have such a positive outcome from CPAP therapy and the days started to look brighter again.