Moving On

March 2019

It’s late March of 2019, and as you can see from the pictures above I’ve decided to move out to a new place with some friends. As you can also see, the most fun part of moving out is getting the fridge to fit into the house and praying that you measured everything correctly.

Life seemed to be heading in such a good track, new job, new pad, and new me. Everything seemed to be falling into place and my mindset of growth felt invulnerable and absolutely unending. I started cycling again which I had given up for a few years. I even started to actually give a damn about my own self-image and got a decent hair cut too.

Picture of me before the hair-cut, a total hot mess

To throw even more positive fluff into my life, one of my roommate’s dog just had puppies as well so I was drowning in all these new positive experiences. This precedence of positive growth felt never-ending, it felt like there were boundless new adventures for me to take on. I had even started dating again. This new me was starting to feel absolutely amazing, I was started to see more than just hope, I was starting to feel hope, and feel myself in my life for what felt like the first time in my life.

Everything was falling into place, I was no longer hopeful of a positive future, I was the positive future. It seemed almost impossible to stray off track after having done everything so right. It seemed almost impossible to fall into a pit of despair, to fall back into that self-criticism, to fall back into that self-loathing, to fall back into that piece of shit that I used to be. I felt like I had eradicated that part of me forever by being able to invent and invest in a newer and more positive me.

Here’s the catch, that part of me that was dying, it never truly went away. Even now as I right this, it’s still here within me, waiting for a chance to crawl back out. I didn’t know it at the time but I was masking all of my critical wounds with a facade of confidence and strength. I thought that by imitating what happiness looked like in the world, I could find it myself. Spring came, and it blossomed with nothing but the truth.

Puppy and dog tax is paid below.

Side note: I have two roommates with two entirely separate dogs.

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